Alright, I had been meaning to post this post a while now but I'm just so lazy and kinda been feeling under (as in depress). Last summer, recently, I had came back from a vacation to my parent's homeland and it was great to be there. I like to distant myself from people in general but after 2 weeks in, I immediately knew I had became attached to my family, this is a total red flag in my books because I dislike being attach, people tend when they do. But of course, I accepted it and as the vacation started to end, I became sad. When the vacation ended and I came back 'home' (I was not happy, I want my extended family and hang out with them.) my parents told me that it was best if we sell the house and move out. That freaking broke me internally.
The house that had been sold is my first house where I actually had a long term relation with, before this house, my family moved every 2 years and now this is the first house where we lived for 10 years but of course it has to go away like a lot of things. From my experiences and learning from others, letting things go as a human is hard especially if it's like the first of things. As humans, we generally remember our first experiences of everything from school to friends to new foods and others, it's hard to forget them. Also as humans, our memories do fade and change throughout time; memories are sensitive. When we revisit one and try to remember it, there's a huge chance that we are changing that memory as well, we're altering it by visiting it but if we don't visit those memories then we forget. So that's the double edged sword and I don't know what to do.
I'm fine with moving, if I could pick up the house and bring it with me like my laptop or blankets but I can't. I just don't want to leave the house because I am attached to it, it holds so many memories, 10 years worth from my pre-teens to early adult hood, that's a lot of changes and experiences and I keep running on my sentences, not good. Anyways, I have been trying to deal with the fact that I am missing my distant family more than ever, I am leaving a place where it is my sanctuary, I am going to a place where it is foreign (I do not know the area or surroundings of my next home). My best friend can't just decide to come over randomly now because we will be living at least 50 minutes apart and she is a busy girl, from 5 minutes apart to 50, that's a big difference because she is able to just pop up randomly and we can chill before she has to do whatever she had to do. Also, I'm not as fearless as I use to be, I generally see adults a lot more afraid of changes then children because we have become attach to the things that are close to us.
Now I am coping with this and my 'happiness' and I am near a mental breakdown. For the past few months, I have cried at least 5 times a week before I go to sleep, just because I am that sad or I do get angry at the littlest things and I become enrage, that is not good. Anyways, I do believe I have great self control but sometimes when you are around people who are encouraging you to do certain things like drinking and they already paid for it, you cannot help but take it. I know I am an emotional person and that can lead to an emotional wreck and when I have a party to attend I do become an alcoholic. Once I have a good amount of alcohol in my system, I am a happier, nicer, kinder person so sometimes I think that is better for the people around me, I hate it when I'm bringing people down because of my mess/troubles and I love it when people are happy just because they are. The ways I do cope is by writing it out, being my own therapist (yes, it may sound crazy but it works), drawings, watching videos (from comedy to reality to music) and partying. One method of coping that I dislike is when someone (who's not in my inner circle) comes to me and say, "oh call or talk to me whenever you want to talk about anything," I mean, yes thank you for your offer but you should know I am the type of person who HATES coming to people because I am in need, I am that stubborn and hard headed, which you should know if you know that I am unhappy and depress. The very last thing I will ever do, when it comes for me to be help by my own emotional issues is telling others about it. All you ever need to know is that I am sad, I am unhappy and I am dealing with it at my own pace. Yes I should be getting some kind of help, yes I should be out there, trying to get a job. Yes I should try to go faster but hey, it's my life and I want to deal it myself. Talk to me about your problems because you are that open, talk to me about being happy because that will make me happy, talk to me about anything other than myself because it helps me to deal with it.
My best friend and brother and maybe even my cousins and parents know that I am an indifferent person, I don't like to do things just because I have to. I like to do things on my own (yes I am a loner and I like it) and I like to do nothing when I am at home but love to finish things efficiently when I am out and about like volunteering/working/doing errands. And being an indifferent person, I deal things the way I do my things, in solidarity.
Well, here's my little rant on my current emotional state, so how do you guys cope?
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